I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
