This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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