I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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