farters have to be the big spoon...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
