sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
