I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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