connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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