I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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