If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
