We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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