I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Congratulations! We have a period
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
