I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
