yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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