So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
