What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
