dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
