I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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