piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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