I will die if light touches me.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
