he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
