I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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