i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
