Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
