1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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