I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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