I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
