I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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