thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
