You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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