Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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