When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
