Just fell off a train. Bad.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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