Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
