is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
