Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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