So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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