Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We have started to decorate penises.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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