I seem to have left my pride at pride
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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