Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
