I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
