You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
