Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
