I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
