I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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