I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
