Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
