My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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