I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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