what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
