and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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