Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
