How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
