mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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