my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
