If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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