yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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