He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
