Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
