last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
