i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
