the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
