dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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