Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
