Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
