i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
