I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
